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How To Cope Up With Your Middle-age Loneliness

Possibly you are lonely because you are living in a nuclear family with your husband busy with his work and the children busy with their studies. Women of a joint family have too much of company, so their problem is usually that they want to be alone. But they can also be lonely while living in a large joint family.

These are people who love to be alone but when this “being alone” seems like a punishment and you yearn for company, then the aloneness has changed into loneliness, which can hurt. It hurts the most when there is the possibility that you can have company but you feel that the other person chooses not to be with you. Then this enforced aloneness makes you feel sorry for yourself as you feel unwanted.

This is mostly the case with women whose husbands remain very busy with their work. Women feel that such husbands have a choice and if they wanted they could spend time with them. This sort of loneliness seems more like a punishment because the emotional trauma is there that your husband does not love you.

If there are teenage children and they are not ready to give time to you, it can be very frustrating. The same child who could not live without you for a minute, now has a separate life of his/her own in which you do not figure at all. Of course, you will feel hurt because your own flesh and blood is not giving you the time and consideration which is a part of expressing love.

In joint families, you may have to do a lot of work. You may have to care for elders and look after a large family. If you feel that you are being exploited by your in-laws and your husband does not take your side, you are bound to feel all the more lonely because you feel forsaken by your own husband. This feeling of being neglected is thus the main reason for loneliness when a woman is staying in a family where there are other family members.

To beat this loneliness there are steps we can follow that will make the loneliness bearable.

1) The first thing is to be prepared for loneliness. If you are ready for it and accept it, loneliness becomes easier to bear. For this the romantic blinkers of the Mills and Boon type has to be removed and the mind should be made to accept that the husband will not stand with a rose for you and be chivalrous all the time.

He has to work and that obsession to get success and prosperity can be very time-consuming as the world has become very competitive. Once this acceptance is there, you will not blame your husband and he will not become fed up with you. On the other hand, your acceptance will make him understand your loneliness better.

2) Don’t expect anything from anyone, not even from your husband and children. They did not in any way take over the contract to keep you entertained, so you couldn’t be bored and lonely. They have their own lives to lead and they can give a modicum of company but you should not expect that their aim will be just to make your life free from the feeling of loneliness. When there is no expectation, there will be no disappointment.

3) Being self-sufficient is the main way you can remove loneliness. You should stop depending on others. You should be ready to fend for yourself. If you are complete in yourself and don’t need others you will not become like a creeper depending on the main tree, rather you will be capable of being a support to others to lean back on.

Self-sufficiency would make you complete in yourself. You would take responsibility for your own feelings whether they are of happiness or sorrow or loneliness. This self-sufficiency will help you to manage on your own and that will free you of the need for others. You need not stop loving. You need not stop expressing your feelings. All you need to do is that, whether you are alone or with someone, you should feel content and peaceful with yourself without blaming another person for what you feel or not feel.

4) You should think less and become a woman of action. What is the use of thinking and wounding yourself that, “Nobody loves me. Poor me, I am lonely.” Find the solution yourself there and then. Don’t think but get up and do something that you like. When there is no time for such useless thinking and you are fruitfully occupied, loneliness will have to be quite away from you.

5) So, what is important is that you develop your own hobbies which you love to do and see to it that your time is well spent and you are not lonely. Whether it is gardening, reading or any other activity which you relish even though it gives no profit, then it will also help you remove loneliness.

6) It would be better, of course, to do some work which lets you earn. The only requirement is that it uses the time you are free if you are not career-oriented and bent on building your life with ambition. Of course, nothing stops you from having a full-fledged career, if you are ready for that. Don’t look after the children yourself but, with a clear conscience, pass the responsibility to someone else.

7) Helping others in your free time will also help whether you just sit and talk to an old neighbour who has no one or visit a hospital to cheer people up. Seeing the condition of others can end self-pity and martyrdrom and so loneliness seems hardly a punishment but just empty space to fill up with fun and action. So, what you need to do is to keep busy.

8) It is important to be positive and not negative in attitude. Translated into action it means that you should see the bright side of things and hope and have faith that the things you are deprived of will come to you soon. Hope and faith can pull you through the worst conditions.

9) Be kind and think of how tried your son is after his tuitions and how weary your husband is after his work.

10) What is essential is that you stop thinking as being a martyr. You feel that you are blessed by the circumstances and life. At least, you have a husband. At least, you have a child.

It is worse for those who live all alone without a family. But then one has to manage. Such people should stop thinking of limits.

You should feel that the world is your family. This may be difficult but when you include others within the purview of mind, you will always be with the feeling that you have company. It will also keep you busy and so loneliness will be pushed away.

Thus loneliness is a state of mind that you should take up as youe own duty to manage and not wait for others to help you out. It is all a matter of mindset and you can make your will-power dictate to your mind and heart to do something when you feel lonely so that you don’t slip into self-pity.

Then, loneliness will not be a punishment at all.